My anxiety has risen to the top of pile of things that Daddy is dealing with in my life. Ultimately, I know that he just wants me to trust him. But he isn’t satisfied with a little trust. He wants me to trust him, as in black or white, on or off, “I know that you can’t but I said that you can” kind of trust.
And that trust is hard. I have spent my life doing everything that I can do on my own, managing every circumstance and event to the fullest extent of my capability, and then when I reach the end and am about to fail, THEN, I call out to God and trust him with the rest. But that isn’t really trust as much as it is desperation.
My desperation doesn’t impress God. Lots of people call out to him when they are helpless and sinking fast. But God wants me to seek him FIRST, and to not worry about the other stuff.
Which brings me to my point. As I read Matthew 6:25-34, Daddy tells me that I don’t need to worry about my life; I only need to seek him. Just as he clothes the flowers and feeds the birds, he WILL take care of me. My practical interpretation of this passage has always been get up early in the morning and read and pray FIRST and then go out and manage the day on my own for as long as possible.
I realize now that God wants me to seek him first, but I don’t read where he tells me that its ok to stop seeking him and go do something else. Or pursue something else. Or manage something else.
No matter what activity I am involved in, my goal should remain the same: Seek God. Seek his kingdom. Seek his righteousness. And trust God with stuff that has to this point been consuming my every waking thought and many of my anxiety-ridden dreams at night.
So as I sit here this morning, feeling the tension and peace warring within me, my eyes red and moist with tears of both relief and fear, I am going to seek God first today. And only.
My way is obviously not working.
Perhaps my desperation was Daddy’s goal all along.